I miss you Nana

y Nana (my grandmother, my mom's mom) was amazing. We had a very close relationship. As a young child, my sister and I would spend countless nights at her house; watching old movies, playing dress up in her high heels and furs, popping popcorn and eating chocolate covered graham crackers. As we grew older, we would spend our summers volunteering at The Scottsdale Public Library; she was the head librarian there. As I got even older, my Nana and I enjoyed dinners at AZ88, burgers and martinis. My Nana was amazing. She was a huge women's and human rights activist. I cannot tell you how many Martin Luther King and Pro Choice Abortion rallies my sister and I attended!

She passed away the day after 9/11 - on September 12, 2001. My family was devastated. We knew she was sick, she battled emphysema for years, but the knowing of the disease did not make the passing any easier. I was 22 years old. Right after she died, I met Mark (my love) and I knew she would have LOVED him! Soon after, Mark and I were married, I had Karsten, we bought a house and so on and so on. So many life milestones that she missed and I missed having her there. I believe people can still feel loved ones around them after they've died, but I haven't been so fortunate to have this happen yet. There were so many times where I've wished with all my heart she was with me, but she wasn't. My heart hurts.

Two nights ago, she was in my dream. I wish I could tell you it was a nice, happy dream, but it wasn't. Before Nana got really sick with her disease, she and my Papa would take long road trips in their RV. They would travel the country, taking pictures, meeting new friends, buying us little trinkets from weird places. In my dream, my Nana was about to leave for a trip on the RV. I knew once she did, she would not come back, I knew she would die. I begged her not to go, to stay with me. She wasn't upset while I was, but she said she had to go, she was excited. I left her and ran down the sidewalk sobbing, sobbing so hard I couldn't think, breathe, function. Mark came up to me and I kept saying over and over how I knew she was going to die if she left on her trip, she was going to leave us.

I don't know if she actually was in my dream, her spirit, I would like to think she was, but I don't know why the dream would be so sad. I know she died, but I just want to be with her again. I didn't think I was going to post about this, but I started to cry in the shower this morning and I think I need to process through this to be able to move on from the dream. Maybe it has been too long since I had really thought about her and I needed to. I am just sitting here crying at my computer, I can't see the screen! It's been eight years since she died and it still hurts so much. I sometimes feel silly admitting how much it still hurts, she was my grandmother, and grandmothers die all the time, that's life, it's natural. But it doesn't feel natural, it feels really bad.

I did not mean for this post to become so negative, but I am letting it all out. Take it or leave it, just like my good friend Cece, may say. I am opening up my book (my life) for reading in hopes that someone may take something from it and I know it helps me tremendously! So, on a lighter note, I am posting some photos of my amazing Nana below. She truly was amazing.

This was my Nana and I (in the red pj's) on top of a float at the Parada del Sol. We were characters from nursery rhymes. She was Mother Goose and I was Little Red Riding Hood.


My Mom and Nana on Mother's Day 1999.


My Sister (nice hair!), Mom, Nana and I


My Nana - 30 years old, circa 1963